Entry 5 β’ August 8th 2025
August 8th 2025
Dear diary,
July was another busy month for me, I was yet again in and out of hospital. I've been having a lot of physical issues lately. It's been kind of stressful, having to get up at least 3 times a week to go to several different clinics, hospitals and wards. It's been so draining physically, not to mention the issues with public transport. ^^;
I filled out forms a few weeks ago to get a disabled "Free Pass" for buses and trains. It's given to disabled people, one of my doctors helped me fill it out as my wrists are rather weak. She was kind, ensured everything was correct, and even delivered it to the Civic Centre herself for me. She told me everything checked out, all my documents were in place ect. I should get the pass this month, if all goes smoothly. It'll save me a lot of money, as I'm not legally able to drive at the moment due to my care plan, which forces me to use public transport, hellish nightmare, also racks up a lot of money especially since I have so many appointments.
Additionally, I had a lot of tests and hospital admissions recently. One was a 24 hour ECG, which I was thankfully able to return home with instead of staying in hospital overnight, which I hate doing. I have yet to get the results back, however the doctor who put it on me noted my heart rate was "unnaturally high even at a resting state". But I should hope it will come back okay. It was rather annoying to sleep with, the monitor kept getting in my way while I slept but it was quite literally attached to me with wires so. I couldn't escape it!! Not only that, but being hyperfocused on my symptoms (I had to write them down whenever I experienced them along with the time) made me annoyed. Lmao. I also felt super sticky when I got it removed.... The electrodes were like strong bandaids haha..
Went to the hospital this week, too. Autoimmune disease issues, and I believe some POTS related things? Sucked so badly. It was really hot in there, and there were so many coughing kids. I got a bunch of bloods done. Like, a bunch. I felt so tingly after it. My arm is all bruised now. When I got discharged I went home on the bus, and my bandages started falling off 
I was STANDING UP too which sucked really bad. The bus was almost completely full, and I kept falling on my boyfriend because I was so weak I couldn't properly hold onto any hand rails. Thankfully, a kind man let me sit down. He probably saw me struggling.. Awkward. I made a quick stop at a pharmacy to get new bandages and some tape to keep everything together since I was still actively bleeding. I was fine afterwards, so I sat at the park and had a sandwich. οΌοΌΏοΌΎ
My care-coordinator met with me last week, she was discussing the admission to specialised treatment, people who are more equipped for my types of issues, and she told me that hopefully by the end of this month I should be able to get specialised treatment and therapy. Next week should hopefully be our closing meeting where we discuss their decision. Apparently I've been quite a complex situation so it's taken a while, and also taken a few rounds of ineffective antipsychotics to get here. I just hope I can actually properly continue getting help. β₯οΈ I have been very unstable for a while now, and unfortunately my own issues don't only affect me. They affect others too. I am very much hoping yo change, grow, and become a better and more stable person. I can only hope that specialised treatment helps.
This month I work at the cemetery again. I adore working there. I think, this time, my manager told me I have to look through the ledgers plus some files to ensure the people in the graves exist? Something like that. I'm probably going into the office for the ledgers, I can't take them home as they're important and also need to be locked away after use. But, I need to do data analysis/entry as well, which I can fortunately do at home on my managers laptop. (/ /οΌΏ^) My care-coordinator said that structure helps my fractured mind, so hopefully working will aid in that. Having a bit of structure and purpose will give me much-needed stability in my life, especially since my living space and general schedule is... bad. To say the least! I wouldn't say it's terrible but it's enough to not help, lol. At least I have a roof over my head πββοΈ.
Now, I mentioned moving out last entry I believe... My plan has mildly changed err, I'm moving countries! ..In a few years. I won't say where, as I am not about to doxx myself, haha, but I won't be moving too far. The country I am moving to has way better housing options, it's quieter, simpler, and easier. It is also surrounded by nature which is always a treat γ . I am hoping to get a nice little place with my boyfriend. We are planning to save up together, with the money we earn from work. It's kind of nerve wracking.. I think I'm just scared of change. But I know this change will be for the better. β₯οΈ
Much love. I hope everyone reading has a good day, and a good August. Um... Thank you for reading. γ